Home Blog

Investors and Crops

For the last few years, every time a hurricane strikes the US, we've been treated to yet another round of, "What about THIS one? Is THIS hurricane a sign of global warming? Not exactly? What Crap!" Every time they're trotted out to answer for the latest natural disaster, climate scientists always make the point that global warming makes all of our weather more extreme, which means more intense and frequent hurricanes AND more intense and frequent floods AND more intense and frequent droughts. This always seems to be greeted by the mass media as a weak argument on the part of a mealy-mouthed academic, since it's not contributing to their black-and-white, sensationalist pursuit of higher ratings. The problem is that any number of strategies can be deployed to deal with consistently different weather patterns, like more or less rain, higher or lower temperatures. We're good at dealing with these sorts of longer-term changes. Where we and our agricultural practices fall flat on our faces is when we can't depend ...

In which my job hunt runs smack into my paranoia

So, yeah, looking for a job. As well you know. As well everyone knows, if they've come into contact with me lately. I pretty much check for new jobs every day, and I add any to my list if they're a good fit (ie, in my area of expertise, somewhere in the midwest, etc). If they're not a stellar fit, but they seem like they might just work, I consult my advisor. I found one such job the other day. It was at [Random Midwestern School]. And I was pretty excited to find it, as I am any job that I can potentially add to my list of jobbie jobs. I started poking around their website and saw something about their mascot, The Mastodon (no, I'm not kidding. The Mastodon.). So I clicked on the link. And OH HOLY JESUS THEY HAVE A HUGE STATUE OF A MASTODON RIGHT OUTSIDE THE LIBRARY. You know, right? I've talked about this before. If you google "fear of statues," there I am, fifth one down. So an enormous mastodon, plunked in the middle of campus, meant that the job was a long shot for me. I talked to my advisor about it (the job, that is, not the mastodon-- not everyone needs to see the crazy, remember that). And she said it wasn't worth applying for, since it was a teensy bit out of my area. Whew! Crisis averted.

Horny Toad

When I was little, my parents and I were on a walk up near the zoo and we saw a man hovered over something in the parking lot. My mom and I went to see what he was looking at, and found that it was a large brown toad. I don't remember if either of us asked him what it was, or if he just volunteered the information, but I do remember distinctly that he said, "It's a horneeeee toooooad." He had a thick accent, maybe Minnesota or South Dakota, and he really drew out the words. "Horneeeeee toooooad." And I thought it was hysterical. Not the words, mind you, but his accent. So I kept repeating it all day. "Horneeee toooad. Horneeeeeeeeeeeee tooooooooooad." And every time I said it, my mom laughed even harder, and said, "No, it's a horned toad. A horned toad." But I knew what I'd heard, I knew what the man had said. "Horneeeeeee toooooad." Ah, the innocence of childhood.

It's all a matter of perception

So apparently I forgot to set my alarm last night. (You already know how this is going to end, don't you?) I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and, frankly, wondering how that was possible, since I'd gotten only a handful of hours' sleep. Thinking that I'd woken up before my alarm went off, I looked over at the clock to see what time it was and whaaaaaaat? It was 8:45! No wonder I felt refreshed-- I'd slept for almost NINE HOURS! Suddenly I wasn't so much refreshed and on top of things, but harried and stumbling out of bed. Whoops! I guess we've all had days like that!

It's like getting a Dear John letter. Only not.

Dear Professor,

I'm sorry I didn't email you sooner. I had an injury/accident/financial crisis/stint in jail/pole-dancing gig/whatnot that prevented me from coming to class the other day. I'm really, really, really sorry I wasn't able to come to class. I'm sure you understand that it Wasn't My Fault (TM). Anyway, I was wondering if you could tell me what I missed? Also, could you tell me if there's anything important I need to know for the upcoming exam/paper/quiz? Thank you!

Sincerely, Your Student