Something Shiny! - Gainesville category

The swarm

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 02:32:15 GMT

Tonight at the dog park, I looked across the field that lay before me and it appeared to be swimming. Upon closer inspection, I noticed that individual blades of grass were moving, but not all of them. This was weird in and of itself for a few reasons, not the least of which was that there wasn't even a trace of a breeze. When I discovered what was making the grass move, I was horrified. Internet, I couldn't make this up: hundreds, maybe even thousands, of fat black mosquitoes were swarming around in the grass. WELCOME TO FLORIDA. WE HOPE YOU'RE INOCULATED AGAINST WEST NILE VIRUS. HAVE A NICE DAY.

Dear Housebuyers:

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 15:26:16 GMT

I'm speaking to you, people who will eventually buy our house. You people don't know how good you've got it. You're getting an amazing deal here. Not only are you getting a cute house in a nice neighborhood with a huge yard, but you're also getting a house that needs nothing done to it. You see, we've done it all for you. That's how nice we are. We've replaced the water heater, the heating and cooling system, and all the flooring. We've installed a new dishwasher, oven, and refrigerator. We've built the fence, painted all the rooms, and installed fancy closet systems. We've planted trees, flowers, and ground cover. By the time you buy the house, we'll also have built an addition to the deck and completely remodeled the master bathroom. See the guest bathroom, with its new sink, faucet, mirror, and toilet? All our handywork. All of it for you. In pointing this out, I'm not seeking praise or thanks. I just want you to know how lucky you are to get such a swell house. We've put lots of work into this house, and odds are that we'll have to do it all over again in our next house. You, however, will have only to unpack your boxes and then sit out on the deck with a glass of iced tea. I may despise everything about Gainesville, but I love this house. Take good care of it.

Thanks, Emily

And what's in YOUR forecast?

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 15:56:01 GMT

Haunted

Fri, 30 May 2008 11:30:24 GMT

A woman was beaten and raped a week ago in a subdivision north of ours. It's an affluent neighborhood, well populated, with a great jogging trail. She left her house at 6:26 in the morning for a run and not ten minutes later she was being pistol-whipped and raped. In broad daylight. She was beaten within an inch of her life and her injuries were so brutal that she was physically unable to talk to detectives for several days. They have a description of her assailant, but haven't caught him yet. The attack has been haunting me ever since I heard of it. I always thought we lived in a safe neighborhood, a safe part of town, but of course crime doesn't care about geography. It can happen to anyone, anywhere. I wake up every morning thinking of this woman, hoping that her attacker gets the punishment he so justly deserves.

Dear Al Gore

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 04:29:39 GMT

Editor's Note: In honor of Earth Day this month, I've written several letters to Al Gore that address problems we've encountered as we try to go green. You can find the first one here, the second one here, and the third one here. Enjoy!

Okay, Al, last letter. This is something I really need your help on. See, here in Gainesville, we have curbside recycling. And it's great, don't get me wrong. We can recycle paper, newspapers, catalogs, corrugated cardboard, glass and plastic bottles, and aluminum. Recently, the city also began to accept plastic yogurt containers for recycling. Now, plastic recyclables are imprinted with a number, a resin identification code indicating their polymer type. (Betcha didn't think I knew that, huh?) In the case of yogurt containers, they're imprinted with the code number 5, meaning that they're comprised of polypropylene. So far, so good. However, yogurt containers aren't the only plastic food containers imprinted with the #5; in fact, many others are as well. But while you can put as many #5 yogurt containers as you want in the recycling bin, the city won't accept any other #5 containers. So what gives? Why one and not the others? What's the point of having the handy dandy numbering system if the city comes up with their own (illogical) rules for what they will and won't accept? And how do I, just one person, go about changing this? If you have any ideas, Al, I'd love to hear them. Thanks!

Sincerely, Emily

Ladies of the night

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 08:42:31 GMT

Certainly this isn't limited to Gainesville, and I hope I'm not out of line in saying this, but we seem to have an awful lot of hookers in this town. And, if they aren't in fact hookers, then it seems that we have an awful lot of scantily-clad, presumptuous women who walk all over town. In areas where there are no sidewalks. Often, but not only, at night. Coming back from lunch yesterday afternoon, we noticed a woman who looked remarkably like Tina Turner (circa 1980) dancing and shaking her... assets while she signaled at oncoming vehicles. Now, in fairness, she may not have been a hooker. She may just have needed a ride somewhere. Or not. So what gives? What's with all the prostitution in this town?

Shakedown

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 18:11:40 GMT

I don't know if it's the same anywhere else, but panhandling is a huge problem in Gainesville. You almost can't go anywhere without being asked for money. We've even had people ring the doorbell and ask us to give them cash. But one guy in particular keeps cropping up.

First encounter: several months ago, he approached us in the Best Buy parking lot. It was right at the beginning of the school year, the weekend that all the students move back to town. He claimed to be helping his daughter move, all the way from Ohio, and said that he lost his wallet. He just needed some cash for a night in a hotel, and would we mind helping him out?
Second encounter: sitting at a stoplight (across the street from Best Buy, actually) about two months ago, he approached the vehicle in front of us and asked the driver for cash. Rebuffed, he started to approach us and John waved him on.
Third encounter: A week and a half ago, John went to pick up a pizza we'd ordered. On his way out of the pizza shop, the same guy approached him and asked for a few slices. John acted like the guy was joking, and laughed it off. As he walked away, the guy shouted, "I'm not kidding!"
Fourth encounter: Today, at the grocery store, the very same guy walked up to the deli, picked up a cooked rotisserie chicken, and walked out without paying.

Lest there's any confusion, allow me to state what may be obvious: this guy isn't homeless. From the looks of it, he's not hurting at all. He's just gaming the system and making a living of it. And it makes my skin crawl.