Dear Housebuyers:

I'm speaking to you, people who will eventually buy our house. You people don't know how good you've got it. You're getting an amazing deal here. Not only are you getting a cute house in a nice neighborhood with a huge yard, but you're also getting a house that needs nothing done to it. You see, we've done it all for you. That's how nice we are. We've replaced the water heater, the heating and cooling system, and all the flooring. We've installed a new dishwasher, oven, and refrigerator. We've built the fence, painted all the rooms, and installed fancy closet systems. We've planted trees, flowers, and ground cover. By the time you buy the house, we'll also have built an addition to the deck and completely remodeled the master bathroom. See the guest bathroom, with its new sink, faucet, mirror, and toilet? All our handywork. All of it for you. In pointing this out, I'm not seeking praise or thanks. I just want you to know how lucky you are to get such a swell house. We've put lots of work into this house, and odds are that we'll have to do it all over again in our next house. You, however, will have only to unpack your boxes and then sit out on the deck with a glass of iced tea. I may despise everything about Gainesville, but I love this house. Take good care of it.

Thanks, Emily